I just want to be me

Funny crappy stories

I saw these really funny stories from an email Jia Yi sent me. Here it goes..


Baked Beans

There lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. Unfortunately, they made her pass so much gas each time.

So when she met the man she would marry, she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans

Some months after her wedding, her car broke down on the way home from work. She called her husband and told him she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way, she stopped at a diner, and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she farted. And upon arriving home she felt sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and said:

‘Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight.’ He then blindfolded her & led her to her chair at the table

she seated herself and as he was about to remove her blindfold, the telephone rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned, then went to answer the phone.

While her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifting her weight to one leg and letting it rip. It was loud, and smelled like fertilizer truck running over a skunk. She shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. She went on like this for another 10 minutes.

When her husband’s call ended, she fanned the air a few times with her napkin. He came back & removed the blindfold, and she saw 12 dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a ‘Happy Birthday’


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHA!!

Another one.. This is a lil x-rated.

Horny Hag and her Corn

Three guys are stranded in a desert. Off in the horizon they see a house and crawl to it.

The first guy knocks on the door and asks for water.
A wart-covered, toothless old woman answers:

‘I will… if you have sex with me.’

The guy pukes and runs back to his friends to tell them what happened.

The second guy, thinking the first guy was a wuss, takes his turn.

Same thing happens.. he sees the woman and hurls.

The third guy, knowing they’ll all die if he doesn’t do something, follows the lady to her kitchen.

‘Do me here,’ she tells him. He sees three ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.
‘Lay back and keep your eyes closed!’ he says. The lady obliges.

The guy picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. As soon as she’s done, he throws the corn out of the window.

‘That was the best orgasm of my life! Do that again and I’ll give you a million bucks.’

‘Then lay back and close your eyes again.’ He said. He does her with the second ear of corn, then throws it out again.

‘If you do that again, I’ll give you a jeep so you can get out of the desert.’

He does her with the last piece of corn.

‘Ohhhhhh… the water, money and jeep are outside.’ She says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he ran outside, grab the water and money and jumps onto the jeep. He drove around and finds his friends by the window.

One of the guys says to him:

‘Hey I hope you had fun. We just ate the three tastiest pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!’

!!!!!!!!!!! LOL...

Last one, also adult content..

Touche!

A young boy on his way home from school must pass by a group of hookers.

Everyday as he passes them, they will waves at him with their pinkies and say,’ Hi there, little boy.’

One day the boy stops and ask one of the hookers why they always wave at him with their pinkies.

They replied: ‘well, that’s the size we imagine your penis to be. Just kidding.’

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition. The young boy stops, drops his schoolbooks on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very wide and says,’ HI there, ladies!’

Wahahahahahaha. Funny lah. All these..

posted by Chloe @ 11:22 PM