I just want to be me

Sad story

Twelve midnight and you can't sleep.
Outside, the streets are dark and empty and quiet. No one is alive but you.
You message everyone you know but only he replies. Both of you, you guess, are closet insomniacs. You dial his number and he picks up.

I can't sleep, you say, and tomorrow I have a Maths test I am going to fail. I am bored and tired but i cannot fall asleep.
Never mind, he replies. If you can't sleep, you can always talk to me.
It's a little past midnight now, and he's telling you stories and stupid jokes and useless facts.

Like how a duck's quack can't echo. Or a true Rolex watch has a second hand that slides, not tick. Millions of trees are accidently planted by squirrels that bury nuts and then forget where they hid them. Idiot, moron and imbecile were all once official medical terms. A cockroach can live without its head - it eventually dies of hunger.
All these are true, he swears.

He plays Jay Chou's songs on the stereo, and tells you something funny that happened to him before.
At four in the morning when the world is starting to stir, the two of you hang up and get ready for school. And for the rest of the day, his voice and his laughter repeats in your head.
The thing about unrequited love is that you don't really plan on it.

One day you see him flirting around with another girl and you get jealous even though you are sure that you don't like him before. And then suddenly, it seems like your friends only have to mention his name to make your heart thump like you've just ran a sprint.
You see him everyday in school but it's not as if you are on speaking terms anyway. So it seems strange when your eyes dart to the corridor every few seconds during changeover, just to see if he's walking past.
Or how suddenly you are paying a lot more attention to your looks.
You read up every testimonial of his on Friendster. You Google his name online to see if anything turns up.
When he's sad you get upset. When he laughs it feels like the world is perfect.

There are hints too, that maybe he doesn't regard you as a friend. Like how your glances meet and dart away at the same time. That all-night call. One time he coached you Additional Maths at the expense of his time (you failed anyway, but it doesn't matter in context). How his friends tease him when you are around. But nothing is concrete because boys are like that. You start to think that there's something - and it always turns out that he only likes you as a friend.

The thing about unrequited love is that everything logical is thrown out of the window.
You can buy every single album of Jay Chou just because he's a big fan. Spend hours writing Mrs XXX on your notebook, only to cover them with your arm when the teacher walks past.
Funny, how even the most cliched and corny phrases like 'see him in a new light', 'falling into his eyes', 'time stopped' seems to true - And you aren't even a fan of romance.

You change your watch to an analogue one because he owns one like that, even though it costs you about three hundred bucks.
You know that he always slouch and sleeps in boring classes, and that he's great at Maths. You know that he collects useless facts and he's always awake at one in the morning, because he's playing Gunbound with his online friends.

(no wonder he sleeps in class)

You forget his birthday and feel so guilty that you can't meet him in the eye for days. And because you are so broke you can't even get him a present, you dedicate a Jay Chou song to him on 933 FM, but you doubt he heard it anyway.

The thing about unrequited love is that it can really hurt sometimes.
One day he calls you on your handphone and tells you, excitedly, obliviously, that he has a girlfriend. And it takes all your strength to put a smile on your face and pretend that everything's all right.

And you hate it when your mother calls it 'puppy love' because that phrase signifies something childish and frail and immature, when in reality, the tiniest reaction from him can make or break your day. Render you to a gibbering wreck when he talks to you.
Maybe you don't truly understand the concept of love, you reason, but you certainly know about the hurt, the pain.

The thing about unrequited love is that is makes you sleepless at night.Another midnight, and you can't sleep. You call him and he answers.
Wow, he says, you really are an insomniac.
You want to tell him that you have a crush on him. The words are at the tip of your tongue - but you swallow them back again.

Are you there? he asks.
Yes, yes I'm fine, you reply in a wavering voice.
He says softly, you sound like you are really upset.
You almost say, yeah, I'm almost crying because I can only be your friend and I don't want to be just that. I do really like you a lot and you already have a bloody girlfriend. And I wonder whether I want to risk losing your friendship, by telling you how I feel. Maybe I'll scared you off, and then. Where will our friendship be?

I'm such a girl, huh? you try to joke instead. Always so moody over stupid things. I'm stupid and so foolish.
He says, you aren't. And I can pretty much promise you that I will always be your friend if you need to vent.

***
Then you graduate, and then you two slowly drift apart.
One day, he no longer answer your SMSes on time, and when you call him at midnight, his mother sleepily answers and says that her son is fast asleep.
He tells you that he's really busy nowadays; and he doesn't have time to talk much anymore.
You don't want to disturb him, and so you stop calling him from that day on.
And he doesn't bother to keep in contact.

But whenever you hear Jay Chou's songs, you'll think of him, and whenever you look at your analogue watch you'll remember this guy, this really cute guy, who was nice enough to accompany you all night on the phone and who is really good at maths. Who knows that a cockroach can live without its head and who loves every song of Jay's.

Even though your memories may have a bittersweet tinge. Even though it's a love that is unrequited.


Man.. I love this story.. It's really one of my favourites.. This story was written by my friend back in the days. Whenever I read it, I get a lil upset... and probably because it reminds me of how I used to feel for a guy in the past, and the heartache..
Credits to Shell for typing this story out. Xin xin ar, hope you don't mind me posting it up here.. =)

posted by Chloe @ 1:52 PM